Im Not Ready...

I have finally met someone that wants to actually invest time in me and date me to make me his girlfriend. Wonderful right? Hell no... Because I just realized that even though in my mind I want a boyfriend, Im not ready for a boyfriend. Im still in freak mode and I still have the mindset that a boy is useful for two things; Being my friend and being my dick. And usually the friends start off as the dick so some of my good friends were initially good penis. I think that its funny because I know I have the potential to be a good girlfriend but the thought of a man actually focusing all his attention on me is scary.

Our group has a tendency to run in fours. So when my good friend met a dude who had a good friend I was forced to take one for the team and entertain as well. I have to say that I was not excited. I knew I didnt feel like entertainnig nobodies random man for any reason, I dont care how nice he is. I tried staying up in my room but the fool came in on the floor and started making chit chat while I was studying. At first I wanted him gone, but he was cracking funnies and such and it wasnt THAT bad... So I quit trippin and actually enjoyed myself.

We do the facebook chat thing because he broke his phone for a couple days. But when he did get a phone he would call me. That was the first thing that started to annoy me. I have known you for a week. There is no need to call me from different numbers just to have chit chat in the middle of the night. And what made it worse was one of those days i had just finished having sex with my greek god and he was doing this, "five more minutes" routine. NIIGGA GET OFF THE DAMN PHONE!!

He had already struck a nerve but he made it worse the next week when he decided to continually ask me the same question over and over and over again. We made plans to chill on a Wednesday. I am the type of person that unless I call you and change plans, the plans are still the same. I hate it when people call and check over and over to see if something has changed from set plans. This is what he did. And to make it worse when I showed my frustrations he told me to calm down. NIGGA I will not calm down after you repeatdly ask me the same question three times a day for the past three four days. You gone make me want to change my plans and say no to you.

I can go on and on with examples but i wont. I will say however that for some folks I might be trippin. I have a young man who is handsome and very intelligent and is a gentleman to the fullest extent willing to go out of his way just to spend time with me and I get annoyed and write him off? It might be true that I dont know what I want because the first man that I have dated since my whore years has actually become interested and Im scared out my mind. I'll take that. I do want a bf, but I also want somebody who can work with me in the process. I cant change the fact that I love sex overnight. I have gotten used to being able to have sex with whoever I want. Now I have to change that. I have gotten used to not speaking to a dude because he's no more than a penis. Now I have to change that. I got used to not expecting anything from certain folks. Now I have to change that. And the change wont come over night.

I told this young man that I was going through a transition period and that he was moving a little too fast for me. I didnt tell him that he was on the brink of gettung cussed out on numerous occassions because I know thats my slowly, VERY SLOLWY dying freak trying to combat all thoughts of commitment and consistency. Hes a nice guy and though he may not be the one that ends up being the boo- sidenote he used that word with me and I almost threw up- but at least its good practice to remember what being focused on a man and not whats in his pants is like. Who know's, I might run away a few good men before my freak officially dies and my being a woman dedicated to a man whole heartedly is the only side of me that I have. But we shall see... While Im waiting he keeps asking me when he's going to see me again.. Please pray that I continue to fight the good fight because of my low tolerance and reply, "Never"