Was it a Mistake?

Earlier in a post I said that I met a dude that I was going to wait for until he was done with military training so we can work on us I guess... It was going fine except for those times that I felt like I was going to die with a penis entering inside of Divine... Well I was about to be on my six weeks count on tomorrow when my biggest temptation came over.... Obvously we know what happened... Lets go over the whole night shall we?

I had a sucky ass week... And I decided I was gonna get a little loose to relieve some stress and take my mind off of all the crap I had to deal with... I got dressed and prepared to party hop and end the night chilling with my friend.. But my good friends decided to beat me to the punch at happy hour and got drunk off their asses (literally)... So I had to take off my clothes and go take care of the roomie....

Now I was invited to a kickback by my good friend/chosen poison that night that Im guessin he really wanted me to go to because he kept making to sure I was coming... I say chosen poison because he has been the only man that I can not deny... He has been the person that I was friends with first and then we started fucking when everybody else is fuck first friends later.. The sex is amazing and we are always good afterward.. No weird feelings or anything... Doesnt affect the friendship or anything... Perfect right... Negative.. He has a girlfriend.. And for some reason which he alludes to but never says out loud.. Him and her are there but not there... With further explanation he tells me that sex with me is essentially different and better with me...

Any-tee-who.. I tell him I cant go anywhere because Im babysitting and he says that he might come through later... STOP... You might say that I should have known better right? Sure.. But me and him have chilled before and not done anything.. Plus I told him about my situation and we both agreed we would work on our relationships and try to leave each other alone when it comes to sex..

Time passes and he askes me what Im doing.. "eating" his response : "can i eat you?" STOP
Know I should have nipped it in the bud right there and said no.... But I stopped and I thought about the shitty ass week I had and the fact that instead of trying to relieve my stress outside of my house.. I was sitting on the floor of my roommates room making sure wouldnt roll off the bed while watching the second season of Dave Chapelle and eating indian food... I also thought about how my solider has been so incredibly busy he barely text me anymore but updates his facebook all the time... I thought about how I was holding out for a nigga that was essentially nothing to me.. He wasnt my boyfriend.. He was barely my friend... And he was barely being a boo... So I responded "Whatever you like"... About thirty minutes.. He came over...

Now six weeks might not be along time for some folks.. But I have a high ass sex drive... And I had been craving dick for weeks... This boy is naturally handsome.. Has a banging body... And loves to eat pussy... And thats how he started the night... And after six weeks... That shit was like taking a shower after a long hot ass day... Ill let you figure out what happened after that for yourself..

Its the day after and he scent is still in my sheets... Im thinking about last night while arguing with my solider through text about his bullshit... And Im asking myself.. Was last night a mistake? Im doing the most for a nigga I dont know and he cant even text me once or twice a day... Fuck him being tired, its the effort that I respect and appreciate.. I dont need a whole convo.. The only time I get that is when he wanna fuck talk... I have dick, complicated dick, but dick none the less at my disposal and Im waiting for somebody who uses his training for the army as an excuse to suck... I did what is natural to me... And I am very relaxed right now... Fucking last night helped my nerves so much... Me holding out was for him.. But I was suffering... Me fucking made me feel so much better.... It was something for me... So if I feel so good after fucking him last night was it a mistake? If I am continually arguing with my solider and unhappy with whats going on with him was it a mistake? Did doing something that comes naturally to me end up as a mistake for what I really want? I dont know.. But with they way things are looking.. Right now I dont really care...

I took the vow....

I took the vow.....of celibacy that is. It's funny when one day something can be so unthinkable and the next thing you know, it becomes a reality. Sixty days and sixty nights. Thus, far it hasn't proven to be as big of a deal as one might think it would be. The purpose? Discipline. To say that having a team or being spontaneous, random with men isn't fun would be a lie. What I'm faced with now however, is at what point do you make the transition? At what point do you say enough is enough and I need to grow out of this? Is it when you finally after waiting forever meet the guy that makes you want to stop? Do you have some life altering revelation that leads to a new and improved you? I'm realistic enough to know that Mr. Perfect may never come, but I can benefit from my self improvement right now. Sometimes that's all you need, to live in the right now. Throw caution to the wind and live for the moment. Maybe......

I LOVE TO FUCK

And Im missing it very much right now... Four weeks and four days.... With no penis.... Im dying a little on the inside everyday... Thats all...